My publisher just released an interesting "narrative essay" on CIA torture by Franklin Alfred Kirby Edwards. I've read the book (in pre-release at iBooks, Amazon and other online booksellers), and I've got to say while torture isn't meant to be laughed at, I committed that sin many times while reading. I know Franklin Edwards to be a first-class intellect. But this book shows he's also a satirical essayist with few peers. On the more personal side, Franklin is a guy who wears bolo ties to parties, bursts into long passages of Latin during conversations, and practices the unpardonable sin of drinking fine cabernet sauvignon with ice cubes. He lives on a farm with a pet alpaca named "Mukie" -- after reading the book I know who the alpaca is named for. You will too. Reprinted with permission, below is a passage from The Water Board Jungle by Franklin Alfred Kirby Edwards, copyright 2015 Pilar Publishing, to be released February 6.
Here is where I stand, right off.
Okay. So you agree with many who say the CIA’s methods such as waterboarding were torture, and shouldn’t have been done. What’s more you believe that torturing terrorists should never be done under any circumstances.
All right. Let’s apply that standard to what happened in Pakistan only days after the Senate released the CIA report.
Nine Taliban terrorists stormed a school and murdered 132 uniformed schoolchildren.
So tell me, say, by chance they had caught one of these seven gunmen before the school attack. You’re telling me that you absolutely would not have used any means possible, even “torturing” the terrorist in an attempt to force him to reveal which school was going to be attacked.
You still say no.
But it might have prevented the carnage and the murders of all those children.
One hundred and thirty two of the little darlings died.
Your answer is still no.
All right, I want to introduce you to the mother of one of those dead kids because I want you to explain your tortured logic to her.
You’d rather not, would you?
Let’s raise the stakes substantially.
Two al Qaeda terrorists have just planted a “dirty bomb” in a large U.S. city, and, an hour before it is set to explode killing thousands and contaminating the city for several lifetimes, one of the two terrorists is apprehended by police.
Would you beat the location of the bomb out of him?
You still say no?
Okay, let’s remove the question from the abstract. I forgot to tell you, your grandmother is babysitting your three children two blocks from where the terrorists hid the bomb in a brownstone.
Would you torture him to save grandma and the kids?
You seem alarmed but hesitant, even confused.
. . . I’m waiting.
And the bomb’s ticking.
What? Do I have to water board you to get your answer?
Books by R.D. Byron-Smith are available at all online booksellers, including his non-fiction top sellers Dinner With A Killer and Epitaphs.