Editor’s Note: our college intern, Alice Paradee, has submitted this “news scoop” from her unofficial White House sources. We publish it herewith and cannot vouch for its accuracy. We will allow, however, that in a world of sham, it could very well be the genuine article.
By A. Paradee
President Obama, emboldened by his successes in negotiating with Cuba and Iran, has his sights on negotiations with ISIS.
“POTUS . . . .”
I interrupted my confidential White House source as he was about to give me the details. “POTUS? What’s that?”
“President Of The United States,” said the source, who is familiar with the President’s thinking.
“That’s the ugliest acronym I’ve ever heard,” I put in.
“Not really,” he corrected me, “SCOTUS is.”
“Supreme Court Of The United States.”
“SCOTUS. Yuk! It makes me think of scrotum. You’re right, SCOTUS is uglier.”
“What do you think about when you hear, POTUS?” he asked me, suddenly amused at his own thoughts.
“I better not say,” I said, ducking it. “But, what about POTUS negotiating with ISIS?”
“I didn’t say he was going to negotiate,” the source said, a little angrily now. “That said, what people don’t know is the Iranian nuclear deal has a secret codicil.”
“You mean something President Obama hasn’t revealed?”
“I said it was secret.”
I confidently took a guess. “It’s probably about the Americans being held hostage in Iran. It’s what the President said he wasn’t ‘content’ with at his news conference.”
“Hostages? Nobody’s talking about hostages . . . .”
“That’s rather been the problem, hasn’t it?” I said.
“You’re as nonsensical as CBS reporter Major Garrett.”
“Be that as it may,” I said, “what does this secret Iran nuke deal codicil say, if not about releasing hostages?”
“To the effect that in exchange for letting Iran make a bomb, the Supreme Leader will attack the Islamic State.”
“You mean we’re putting Iranian boots on the ground in Iraq, to defeat ISIS?”
“Something like that.” The White House source formed a self-satisfied grin. “Not our boots, theirs. The President is so clever. Siccing Shia on the Sunni.”
“Maybe too clever by half.”
“Why would you say that?”
“What if Iran defeats ISIS and takes over Iraq, and then turns on Saudi Arabia and Jordan?”
“By then the Saudis and Jordanians will have a bomb of their own,” he said. “Call it Middle East nuclear détente.”
“It worked in the 1970s between the U.S. and Soviets!”
“I don’t remember President Obama ever saying anything about Mutual Assured Destruction in the Middle East.”
“And, he won’t,” said the source. “He learned reams from the ‘you-can-keep-your-doctor’ remark.”
My stomach was turning sour. “You’ll let Iran take Iraq, something even Saddam Hussein wouldn’t have let happen?” I could tell my questioning was pissing him off.
“Our calculation is it won’t come to that,” he said. “Iran and ISIS will battle to a stalemate. Like the Iraq-Iran war in the 1980s.”
“That’s a good thing?” I asked, skeptically.
“It’s when POTUS steps in and negotiates with ISIS.”
“You said President Obama wasn’t going to do that?”
“You’re so naive, politically,” said the source, with distain similar in tone to the President’s condescension of CBS’s Major Garrett. “He won’t. That is the beauty of it. It will be for the next administration to deal with. Obama assumes Donald Trump will be elected in 2016.”
I looked at him shocked.
The source slightly nodded, raising his eyebrows.
“Not Hillary?!” I gasped.
The source ignored me, and stayed on talking point. “The President says Trump brags about his negotiating prowess. You know, The Art of the Deal, and all that. Trump will have to negotiate with ISIS and Iran. President Obama says he’ll delight in watching Trump getting beat up!”
I couldn’t resist. “Like Iran did to President Obama?”